HAYYY It's been a HOT second since I last logged into good old GDJ. Don't worry, I'm still spewing random banter 24/7, I just haven't sat down to record it on this platform in quite some time. Today though, I have a special treat for you. A few months ago, while at my Mother's house, we dug through literally 29 years of Gwyneth Hughes documents. Report cards from 2nd grade (yup, I probably still spend too much time talking), various unfinished books I'd written, etc. in an attempt to empty out a storage unit, which as you can imagine was both embarrassing and extremely entertaining. The crown jewel of the GEH archives , however, is GIRL'S PAGES. A one-issue magazine that I created at seven years old. I'd go as far to say, it's the Magnum Opus of my life, and certainly the PREQUEL to Gwyn Du Jour.
I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but my biggest takeaway after reading through it after 20-some-odd years, is that my internal dialogue hasn't REALLY changed that much. I'll let you decide:
I have included both the original hand-written version as well as typed out the content, spelling errors (AND THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM) and all. YOWZA.
My name is Gwyneth Hughes. I was born in New York but I live in Minnesota. I have a big sister (technically exchanged student...but its ok young Gwyn, you can pretend) and little brother named Jack. Claudia is 16 and Jack is all most 4. I am a girl (IN CASE THERE WAS ANY CONFUSION) and I am almost 8. I go to 2nd grade. my teachers name is Ms. Meryhew. It is close to summer Vakashon my hole family is driving to florida to see my grandma and grandpa wich i call baba (SHOUTOUT!) and My uncle neill and Ann wich is my ant.
in the lunch cafeteria all the rules like:
And all that stuff I think is totally boring. Well to me kids shud rule in my school. Thar is a really realy mean lady named Jean Spanis. I apsuluty hate her. She dos'nt even let you talk. My school is called Mississippi.
You know when boys allways bother you like messing your things up or going thru your stuff. Well ya know your just sick of it wright. Well hear is a good thing to stop them. if you have it spray the boy with realy strong perfume and they will never go neer you again.
LITTLE AND BIG SISTERS *side note i have neither.
Dus your big sister ever bother you? Well just egnor them ya know. or tell your mom and dad but i think bothering them is more fun then telling.
Parints are not far (fair) some times when you big sister gets to go somewar with thar friends you ask your mom or dad will you take me somewar ya they can be far sometimes but not all the time. It just not right and if they dont tak you there you just get mad. Just go to the park.
little brothers can be cute but they can allso be a pane in the neck. they allwase fallow you around. so if they dont stop you tell your parints and they tell you to stop bothering you big sister and they say ya I will stop then go back to what they were doing and then the little brother gose on bothering you. it seems to never end. (LOL LOVE YA JACK!)
FRIENDS - HERE's WHERE IT GETS GOOD.
Your friends allways hang out with you becuse thare your friends (VERY INSIGHTFUL) You know what I do when I have a friend over. I writ in my diary about people I hate the rest is privet. (UMMM REGINA FUCKING GEORGE, ANYONE??????? #burnbook). My best friends are Stephanie and Charlisa. If you don't get along with your friends ask them lets work this out not have a cow. (LOL...yes let's not).
DANSING IN DANS AT SCHOOL - yes. i went to a creative magnet school and we had dance class. <insert jazz hands>
Dose your dans teacher make you danc with boys? (clearly couldn't commit to a spelling choice here) Well my'n dose. I just hate it. My danc teacher is so mean and fat ( JESUS, GWYNETH. #BODYSHAMING) When I go to danc I want to screem ya know like maybe you like danc but i just HATE it. Sometimes acshally allways I wish there was no such thing of dancing with boys. (OK PSYCHO). But the only time I will danc is to RAP! (UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM).
PEOPLE YOU HATE: (i'm just going to say it. I was a real C U NEXT TUESDAY.)
At school a girl named Kaylin use to be my friend but now she is my worst nightmare and she is really grose. like she likes naked stuff (this chick was weird AF not going to lie. ditched her REAL quick) Well anyways is really not asking when I had her to sleepover she went thru my sister's stuff without asking My sister is sixteen so she was mad when Kaylin waystid her shampoo. (WTF. that literally made 0 sense.)
FOOD YOU LIKE AND HATE:
Do you like rasens? I Hate them (STILL TRUE). Whenever I am made to eat one i go to the bathroom and spit it in the toylit and flush it down the toylit and say i ate it and I hate fruit pie ( WHAT???) Everything else is OK.
CLEANING UP YOUR ROOM:
Don't you hate cleaning up your room (YUP). I just can't stand it when ever I try to I just make it messy then its more to clean up. By the time my parints ask how is your room its a pig sty and it just drives me crazy!!
ANIMALS (here's where we learn that young Gwyneth probably preferred animals to most of the people she knew)
Ya know I just love animals. Like well mamales and some reptiles (oh really? which reptiles did you love). I have four cats and thar names are Duke and Wally and Dusty and Lulu (RIP!!!!!). Do you have any cats or pets? Whenever our nabeours go away we take care of there pets its really fun.
SIDE NOTE: DO WE LOVE how I was giving unsolicited life advice in THAT fucking outfit and hairdo???? #BALLSY
I MEAN........ LOOKS like I just straight up ripped a page out of Lisa Rinna's book because can you say HUSTLER???????? Thats right just show the fuck up at my home and I will SELL YOU that Girl's Pages magic. OY.
WELP. I hope you have found this to be entertaining. And by now you either have a deeper understanding of who I am as a person OR think I'm a complete and utter psychopath. The latter might just be a universal truth.
TIL NEXT TIME!